Playing Mr. Mom — and loving it

Stay-at-home dads relish the time with their children

Friday, June 15, 2007

Click here to enlarge this photo Staff Photo by Gary Smith Stephen Applen and 9-month-old Rebecca watch as 3-year-old Gregory completes a farm animal puzzle, complete with barnyard noises, at their Waldorf home. Applen has been a stay-at-home dad since he retired from the U.S. Navy in October. E-Mail This Article | Print This Story Click here to enlarge this photo Staff Photo by Reid Silverman Michael Sams of Mechanicsville fixes lunch while his triplets watch an episode of ‘‘Tom and Jerry.” Sams stays at home to watch his 5-year-old children, Rhys, Rachelle and Karly.

The baby sitter was upstairs asleep.

‘‘I haven’t been back to work since,” Simpson said.

The Lusby resident chose to be a stay-at-home dad, and like some other fathers in Southern Maryland, has taken over the role often placed on mothers as primary caregiver.

Some, like Simpson, had the responsibility ‘‘fall into [their] laps.” Others took on the role while they waited for other employment. Several more deliberately chose to stay at home and be the ones to raise their children while their wives worked.

A reason to stay

For Simpson, the choice to stay at home came easily.

‘‘We thought one of us should do it,” Simpson said. ‘‘We thought that if possible, one of us should raise our own kids.”

Michael Sams of Mechanicsville became a stay-at-home dad after he retired from Verizon in September 2001. His wife gave birth to triplets two and a half months later, and since then he has worked full time as Mr. Mom.

Like Simpson, Sams and his wife thought one of them should stay at home. The expense of day care was also a motivating factor. ‘‘The cost would have been nearly $30,000 a year,” Sams said.

In Great Mills, Craig Abbotoy also considered the day-care expense when he decided to stay at home with his 1- and 3-year-old sons.

‘‘It seemed like the right thing to do,” Abbotoy said.

Though some fathers chose to stay at home because of expenses and specific circumstances, it was always in the plans of some others, like Larry Ullman of Waldorf, who has 10 and-a-half-month old twins, Zoe Isabella and Sam Atticus.

‘‘I don’t really care for the conventional job,” he said. ‘‘I think it’s wonderful [to stay at home]. I think I’m very fortunate to do it.”

Even Lusby resident Dennis Mulvey was not completely surprised when he turned into a stay-at-home dad after he had a knee replacement operation five years ago. Mulvey has two sons, 10-year-old Joseph and 4-year-old Michael, and his wife is expecting triplets — to be named Faith, Hope and Grace — in July.

‘‘I’ve always been a decent homemaker because I was raised with my mom and two older sisters,” he said. ‘‘My mom raised me well. My wife always said I was a better homemaker than she was. ... I was born and bred to do this.”

A day in their lives

Though each man said they do the average ‘‘househusband” chores, including running errands, cleaning and sometimes cooking — Stephen Applen of Waldorf said he is ‘‘great at warming up leftovers” — many have a unique approach to fatherhood.

Applen is a retired Navy doctor who tries to instill military values in his children, beginning his 3-year-old son’s day by exercising in his bedroom before they wake up his 9-month-old sister. When the weather is good, Applen takes his kids on walks on a fitness path near their home, where they also do push-ups and pull-ups.

Because Sams’ children only attend school for half a day, a majority of his time is spent playing with his children and playing sports, reading or doing something else together. Since Sams’ wife owns an accounting firm, Sams sometimes is responsible for bathing his children and putting them to bed as well.

Simpson takes advantage of his children’s older ages by actively participating in their activities. This year he was the PTA president at Dowell Elementary School, where his 10-year-old daughter is a student. He also coached his 13-year-old son’s baseball team and accompanied his kids on several field trips.

‘‘Our kids are being raised by one of their own parents,” Simpson said. ‘‘I can be involved with everything they do. ... The biggest [advantage of staying at home] is being here for my kids.”

‘‘It gives them stronger ties to my wife and myself,” Sams said. ‘‘It gives them stability and whatnot. ... I hope it carries through. Hopefully it will make them better.”

‘‘Someone else isn’t raising your child, which I think is pretty important,” Abbotoy said. ‘‘You get to watch them grow up.”

For some men, the reasons they stay home with their kids go back to their own childhood.

‘‘I’ve been so blessed to be able to stay home and watch my boys grow,” Mulvey said. ‘‘My father worked all the time. When things were really important he was there, but for the little things, he just couldn’t be there because he had to work. I’ve been so fortunate to be at home with my kids.”

Making adjustments

But staying at home and watching children all day every day is not an easy job.

‘‘It’s a lot of work. There’s a lot to be done,” Ullman said. ‘‘But it’s not necessarily hard or stressful work. It’s not the same as having meetings to go to. It’s constantly busy all day. It’s a different kind of tough, a different kind of effort.”

‘‘It’s easier going to work,” Abbotoy said. ‘‘It’s been an eye-opener for me. The stigma that moms watch soaps all day eating bonbons is so untrue.”

And, there is a perception many stay-at-home dads have to learn to deal with, too.

Sams said that when friends and family discovered they were expecting, most assumed his wife would be the one staying at home. When they were told that Sams would be the primary caregiver, they wondered who would help him raise his triplets.

‘‘There’s always that stigma that a man who stays home is a deadbeat dad. ... Males as a stay-at-home parent are not viewed as being competent,” Sams said. ‘‘I seemed to have passed the test.”

‘‘The strangest comment I get is, ‘Oh, you’re giving Mommy a break,’” Applen said. ‘‘I have to say, ‘No, this is my job, this is what I do.’ I get these looks like I am speaking a foreign language. It’s totally strange to them that I’m the primary caregiver to my kids.”

Most stay-at-home dads agree that one of the toughest parts about being at home all the time is the isolation from other adults that often accompanies full-time child rearing.

‘‘There are no adults to talk to,” Abbotoy said, adding that he has struggled to find play groups that will allow men to participate. ‘‘In a sense, in a way, I’m being a mom.”

The only real disadvantages, Applen said, are that there is never a day off in this job and, he agrees, socialization with other adults is limited.

Still, any drawbacks are outweighed by the advantages of being a stay-at-home dad.

‘‘I like the bond that we have. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I enjoyed that,” Sams said. ‘‘I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s rewarding, tough and fun.”

‘‘You get to see them grow up,” Applen said. ‘‘You spend a lot more time with them. ... You always have your frustrating moments, but overall I enjoy it. You can’t beat the commute.”

‘‘It’s not an easy job, but it’s a great job because you’re with your kids,” Abbotoy said.

It is, he added, something every father should try. ‘‘At least try it temporarily just so you can appreciate what your wives do,” Abbotoy said. ‘‘Men take it for granted.”

‘‘It’s a blast,” Mulvey said. ‘‘I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love it. ... Being able to watch your kids grow and see the world through their eyes, that is huge. It’s astronomical. There’s no price you can put on it.”

A ‘fabulous experience’

Simpson said he believes there are probably many other fathers who wish they could stay at home. But, he said, they let their pride stand in the way.

‘‘They don’t want their wife to be the one supporting them,” he said. ‘‘Honestly, whether you’re a dad or a mom, if it’s possible it’s so much better for the kids to have a parent around.”

‘‘If people can do it, it’s so much of an advantage for one parent to stay home regardless of who it is,” Ullman said.

For many, there is nothing more valuable than being there as their children grow up.

‘‘I wouldn’t stop doing this even if they paid me six figures,” Mulvey said. ‘‘It’s not all about money. ... I wouldn’t give up being a stay-at-home dad for anything. It’s been a fabulous experience.”

‘‘I have regrets about other things in my life, but being with my kids is definitely not one of them,” Simpson said.

‘‘I love my kids,” Mulvey said. ‘‘I’ve got a great life.”

E-mail Meagan Boswell at mboswell@somdnews.com.