Police have the best stories

Friday, Aug. 1, 2008

For much, if not most, of that time, I was a police reporter, which has warped my view of humanity to some extent (because criminals are stupid) but which has given me a lot of respect for the police, who are involved (bad segue alert) in the event detailed in the item below.

For one thing, police officers are hilarious among themselves and people they trust.

They are generally humorless in their daily rounds, since professionalism demands it, and cracking jokes among crime victims is unseemly, but when they let their hair down, they could do standup comedy. Get a bunch of officers started on dumb criminal stories and your ribs will ache by the time you are begging them to please stop.

My favorite involved a gentleman burglar from Tennessee when I was working there. This fellow was siphoning gas from a car when he heard a gunshot from a nearby trailer.

Being a curious individual, he went to investigate, and discovered that a man had tried to kill himself.

Being civic-minded, he decided to steal the man’s personal items, so the depressed man would have less to worry about if he recovered. He pawned some of the belongings, including, if memory serves me, one of those cowboy bucking bronco clocks that rocks back and forth, in his own name, without bothering to wipe the blood off.

Caught, quite literally, red-handed, he pleaded guilty. Asked by the judge if he had anything to say to mitigate his offenses before he was sentenced, this paragon of intellect said, ‘‘I ain’t got nothing to say to you, you frog faced [extremely coarse expletive].” To which the judge replied, ‘‘Well, then, I sentence you to three months for burglary, and six months for the frog-faced [extremely coarse expletive].”

Loving freedom like all good Americans, the burglar planned an escape and was on the lam for approximately 20 minutes before the police ran him to ground at his mama’s house.

Still anxious to get out of jail, he found a syringe somewhere, injected some saliva (one hopes his own) into his knee, and when the infection was ripe, so to speak, presented himself at the morning sick call for a trip to the hospital. The only problem was, the infection was a little too ripe, and the doctors had to amputate his leg.

He tried to make an escape on the way out of the hospital, but the deputies had little trouble apprehending him on his crutches, in his hospital nightgown.

If all criminals were as smart as this guy, crime would be less of a problem.

National Night Out Against Crimeis Tuesday

The National Night Out Against crime is Tuesday, and once again neighborhoods, with or without crime issues, are getting together to celebrate safety, their resolve to fight criminals where they live, and, not incidentally, to have a good, family-oriented time in their communities.

On Tuesday night, Charles County Sheriff Rex W. Coffey (D), a bunch of sheriff’s officers and National Night Out guests will meet at the Moose Lodge at 5 p.m. for a kickoff before heading out to the neighborhoods. The sheriff will give a brief speech, the Charles County commissioners will give their blessing, then the cops and politicos head out to the neighborhoods to help them celebrate.

Contact your community association for information on events planned in your neighborhood or call sheriff’s office community organizer Connie Gray at 301-932-3080.

Rockin’ on the river

The Port Tobacco River Conservancy will host a ‘‘Night on the River” sunset fundraiser and silent auction from 7 to 10 p.m. Aug. 14 at the Port Tobacco Tiki Bar and Grill.

Music for the evening will be provided by Jimmy Rhythm and the Rhythm Breakers.

Tickets for the event are $35 each or two for $50. Hors d’ oeuvres will be provided and are included in the ticket cost.

The Port Tobacco Tiki Bar and Grill is at 7536 Shirley Blvd. in Port Tobacco.

For more information or to purchases tickets, go to www.porttobaccoriver.org or e-mail info@porttobaccoriver.org.

State grant funding for alternative energy breaks record

The Maryland Energy Administration has awarded a record level of grant funding in support of residential solar and geothermal energy to Maryland residents.

The administration has awarded $591,000 to Maryland residents for the solar and geothermal program, a residential grant program that helps offset the cost of installing residential and small commercial renewable energy systems, according to a press release.

‘‘Maryland continues to be a leader in investing in cleaner, more renewable energies and it is no surprise that this grant money has been awarded just weeks after becoming available,” said Gov. Martin O’Malley (D) in the release. ‘‘The residential solar and geothermal grant program has helped hundreds of Maryland families contribute to a cleaner and more sustainable economy, while also helping to reduce household energy costs.”

The record level of funding was made possible by new legislation to update the solar and geothermal grant program.Under the revised legislation, signed in April, Maryland residents are eligible for grants of up to $10,000 ($2,500 per kilowatt) for photovoltaic solar arrays, up to $3,000 for solar water heaters, and up to $3,000 ($1,000 per ton of cooling) for geothermal systems.

As a result of the new legislation, the Maryland Energy Administration has fully spent its budget for the solar and geothermal program.

MEA is actively pursuing additional avenues of funding to enable more Marylanders to contribute to a cleaner, more renewable Maryland, while reducing their energy bills. As funding becomes available, MEA will offer additional grants to Marylanders currently on the wait list. Ê

Funding is still available for the MEA’s Windswept program, which provides grants of up to $10,000 ($2,500 per kilowatt) to offset the cost of small-scale wind turbines for Maryland residents in appropriate locales.

Go towww.energy.maryland.gov.